I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
