if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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