Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
