I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
What changed your mind?
Being sober
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
