I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
