Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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