There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
