Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
