i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
