I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
