Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
