I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize