Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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