pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
