How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
