You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
