i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
