you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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