i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
