Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
