mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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