I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
We got so high we made milksteak
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
