and she was petting her beer can
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
