I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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