chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
