Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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