In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
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