Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
my shit smells like andre
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize