I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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