I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
