Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
farters have to be the big spoon...
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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