these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
