Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I need moral support for this bender
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
