my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
