That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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