just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
