and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
