I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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