im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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