Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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