I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
