Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
