Betty ford says i'm here all night
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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