When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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