On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
