never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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