i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
