Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
