Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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