after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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