No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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