i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
