Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
you will always have a special place in my vag
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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