i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Im just a social blackout drinker.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
