and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
