im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
