Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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