I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
