It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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