note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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