So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
