At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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