i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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