some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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