I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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