He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
