Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
