He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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