Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
