I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
